Soundtrack Series, Part Three: Times of Change

 Well, here I am.  Less than 3 weeks till I'm a college graduate and till I'm on a plane back to Chicago, leaving behind so much of what I've gained over the past four years.  It feels like there's no good way to describe this rush of feelings, no way to truly encompass everything that's been going through my head.  Everything feels bittersweet and almost impossible to categorize-- every event, every outing and experience is fun and wonderful because I'm with the people I love most in the world, but everything also feels tinged by the ever-present knowledge that very soon I won't be.  Every conversation I have with someone from here on out could be one of the last, every time I visit my favorite haunts might be the time when I ought to be taking a mental snapshot, lest I forget the details of what it looks, sounds, and feels like.

Of course, this has prompted a shift in the music I've been listening to (but then again, it doesn't take much for that to happen).  The point is, I've been discovering more and more songs lately that seem to speak to this weird feeling in my chest, the overwhelming idea that something's ending and that I've got to grab hold of every second of joy that I can before that time comes.  These are just a sampling of the songs that have been my soundtrack during this time of transition, of goodbyes and attempts at making plans and new hopes.

Run -- Snow Patrol
One of my all-time favorite songs (and the all-time most played song on my Ipod, fun fact).  It's just such a poignant song about leaving, specifically leaving the one you love.  For me graduating and leaving Seattle doesn't carry quite the gravity this song does, but I can't omit it from this list because it is so wrapped up in the idea of change for me, of transition and of the power the people you love have over you. Also, there will never come a time when that epic instrumental portion just before the song wraps up doesn't blow my mind.

23 -- Jimmy Eat World
If I had to pick a song that most accurately sums up my feelings toward this upcoming transition in my life, this one is a definite contender.  This is just a fantastic song about the weirdness of being this age (I'm not 23 but I'm close enough, and I more than understand the sentiment), not knowing where things are going to go and feeling just a little bit out of control in the face of how fast life is passing you by.  It also has a great message about going after what you want:  "You'll sail alone forever if you wait for the right time/ What are you hoping for?"  That line just strikes me in a fresh way each time I hear it, and it reminds me of the need I have to evaluate what, exactly, I'm hoping for, and how I can reach it.

American Pie -- Don McLean
Not only is this a great story-song, but it expresses so much of what I think everyone feels on the precipice of a major life change.  McLean isn't excessively emphatic about it, but he's clearly devastated by the tumultuous times in which he finds himself, and regardless of whether you can appreciate the actual events he's singing about, chances are you can relate to the feeling behind it.  I know I can-- this is the kind of song that makes me wish I were a songwriter, so that I could encompass my feelings so flawlessly in such a versatile format.

I Must Belong Somewhere -- Bright Eyes
Love the catchy tune of this one, and the fantastic imagery.  It's a great commentary, but it also lets the listener establish his own sense of place in the world. I like this as a "change" song because there's so much in it about the way some things will inevitably remain the same.  

More Adventurous -- Rilo Kiley
I think the reason this song made the list (apart from the fact that Jenny Lewis is just downright marvelous), can be summed up in my favorite two lines:
"...With every broken heart we should become more adventurous"
"And [I] thought about how we are all as numerous as leaves on trees and maybe ours is the cause of all mankind-- get loved, make more, try to stay alive..."

In My Life -- The Beatles
"I know I'll never lose affection for people and things that went before/ I know I'll often stop and think about them..." This is one of my all-time favorite songs--short and to the point.  Reflect on your life, and remember all the people, places, and events that have shaped it.  This is a song that gives me motivation to move forward even into an uncertain future, because there are so many more memories to be made.  And even if it's all downhill from here, I'll be able to carry the things I've loved with me wherever I go.

Wild World -- Cat Stevens
This song just gives me a kind of warm fuzzy feeling.  It feels like a parent's kind-hearted, well-intentioned warning, filled with that distinct feeling of being cared for.  Not to mention, something about Cat Stevens just gives me the feeling like a friend is singing to me, like he knows how afraid I am of the "real world" and wants me to feel better about it. If that's not a good enough reason to put it on the "change" playlist, I don't know what is.

Somewhere Only We Know -- Keane
 This song is just fantastic.  If Keane had never recorded anything ever again, or if it had all been awful, this song would have been enough of a contribution for them to forever have my respect and affection.  There is something so beautiful about this song, about its imagery and its message, and it makes me feel better about damn near everything.  This song makes me think of community, and of the value of shared experience, and shared memories. 

Leaving Town Alive -- Bethany Joy Lenz
Little known song, but definitely a great little tune about the nature of change, and the little ways it impacts us.   There is a sense of how much life can wear you down, but there is also the shadow of victory, of being able to weather it all so long as you let your heart rule you.  It's about missed opportunities and letting those experiences teach you, guide you, so that you don't miss the next great chance that comes along.

100 Years -- Five for Fighting
One of several "life is short" songs on this list, because I think for me the notion of change and the idea of the fleetingness of time are very tightly linked.  Just as this song flies by, the years of your life that John Ondrasik is singing about can pass you by in the same exciting, wonderful, painful blur.  And if you're not careful, you might miss it. I'm hoping that when I'm "99 for a moment" I'll be able to look back on this part of my life as a time when I really did something, really put forth my best efforts and strongest energies to better the world around me.

Live Like We're Dying -- Kris Allen
I need to learn how to live the message of this song so much more fully.  It resonates with me so strongly every time I hear it, and I want to be that person who embraces every moment of my life to the fullest, yet somehow I find myself coming up short.  I know it's going to be especially tempting to just coast or kill time after graduation (particularly until I find a job), but I want to be very intentional about living each day with meaning, even if it feels like there isn't any.

Soundtrack Series, Part One: Songs to Commemorate a Life

Anyone who knows me can tell you that I'm a huge music enthusiast/nerd.  They'll also probably tell you that I have a penchant for making playlists for every occasion, with the songs that I've meticulously selected to summarize my feelings toward the event.  Last week I was working on my graduation party playlist, to commemorate the end of my college experience, and I got to thinking about how much I love doing this, creating a soundtrack that speaks the things I can't say. 

And naturally, it got me thinking about other occasions I could create playlists for, and what might go on them.  The first one I completed, listed here, is the soundtrack for my funeral.  I realize that might read as morbid, but when you think about it, what better occasion to express exactly how you feel about your life, and about death?  If there's one event I have every right to leave my mark on, it's this one.  So I present the 12 tracks I've narrowed down to comprise my memorial soundtrack.

I'm sure as time goes on I will think of additions to this list, but I also find that most of these for me have been pretty enduring and tied up in a lot of my memories.  This is my ideal playlist, and I'm so attached to these tracks that there may need to be an addendum to my last will & testament with a link to this blog, so that whoever handles my affairs doesn't go against this one fervent wish. 

1.  Wildflowers - Tom Petty
Beautiful, folksy little song with genuinely good wishes for the listener/subject.  I'd kick things off with this one because it's just so nice and it conjures up the image of sending someone on a journey.  That would probably be the theme of my funeral (do people have themes for funerals?), embarking on a journey, and so I think this would be a tremendously appropriate opening.

2.  Forever Young - Youth Group
This song takes me back to high school, when I first heard it, and I can't help but remember the sense of possibility and excitement that I felt looking ahead to the rest of my life.  I had so many dreams (still do, but they're more realistic now), and so many hopes, and this song reminds me to hold the memory of that time in my heart.  

3.  Remember Me as a Time of Day - Explosions in the Sky
I probably overuse the word "transcendent" when talking about music, but with this band I think it is merited about 98% of the time.  This track is so beautiful-- any time I need to take a minute and just be I like to close my eyes and let this play in the background.  I think that most of the Explosions in the Sky catalog would be apt for a funeral/celebration of life, but since I've limited myself to one track I have to go with this one.  


4.  Somewhere Over the Rainbow/What a Wonderful World - Iserael Kamakawiwo'Ole
 I associate this song with some of the most contemplative, peaceful moments of my life.  It's the perfect track to play while you simply sit with your thoughts and reflect, and there's something so indescribably soothing about that ukulele.  This song puts me in mind of a beach somewhere far from any civilization, with clear skies and crystalline water that stretch on forever.

5.  Fire and Rain - James Taylor
This song has a lot of regret in it, beautifully and subtly articulated.  It's not that I want anyone to feel this way about me when I'm gone (the regret part, I hope they'll feel the affection!), but it's something I've always struggled with.  I often worry that the people in my life don't know just how much I love them, and that I'm taking my time with them for granted.  I also associate the tone of this song with change, the quiet kind of change that takes you by surprise with how much it impacts you.  I have so many people in my life who've changed me like this, and my hope is that somewhere along the way I've had a similar effect.

6.  Let It Be - The Beatles
This isn't a song I associate with death, but one I associate with my father, who died when I was young.  I have very few vivid memories of our time together, but something I do recall is the many car trips we went on, and all the things we'd talk about even while running errands.  One of the occasions that has always stood out in my memory is this song coming on the radio, and my father just bursting into song, barely knowing the lyrics and drumming on the steering wheel.  It's just such a great snapshot of the goofy, fun-loving person he was to me, and every time this song comes on I take pause to remember that car ride. I really love the idea of having such a vivid reminder of our time together as my own life draws to a close. 

7.  Angel - Sarah McLachlan
When I think of soft music that touches my soul, I think of Sarah McLachlan, and most particularly this song.  It's about how hard just living life can sometimes be, and I appreciate that.  There can be a million little struggles even when you haven't been struck by some overwhelming tragedy, and there's always (for most of us) the need for just a little more peace in our lives.  I don't necessarily believe in angels (they've always come as a package deal with the kind of theology to which I've never subscribed), but I love the image of being embraced by something greater than myself, and comforted in that embrace.

8.  When I Look to the Sky - Train
This was the first song I ever thought of as a spiritual experience.  There is so much tied up in this song-- nature, loss, spirituality-- in short, all the things that truly resonate with me.  I love this song because it acknowledges the immensity of loss while also providing a comforting sense of continued community with the person or people who are no longer here.  I would play this at my funeral if only to guarantee that the people I love get to experience it at least once.

9.  For Good - Idina Menzel & Kristin Chenoweth
I feel like I think of a different loved one each time I hear this song, and it somehow applies to all of them.  This is the perfect friendship song, and one that expresses just how much one person can mean to another.  I liked it in context of the musical it's in, but I like it even more as a standalone song, because it feels almost too universal to be confined to one story.  My favorite line in the song ("It well may be that we may never meet again in this lifetime, so let me say before we part...") would be especially poignant in the context of a memorial, and I hope that it would comfort those I love the way that it has comforted me on so many occasions.

10.  Home - Michael Buble
I've always had a kind of sentimental attachment to the concept of "home" as much more than a particular place.  Home is in your memories, in your heart, and in the people who make you feel that indescribably comforting, warm feeling in your chest.  It's a feeling we all can relate to, but that's almost impossible for us to articulate.  I love this song because between the lyrics and Michael Buble's lovely voice and the soft instrumentation, that feeling gets conjured up inside me all over again.  I would hope for this song to inspire the comfort and fuzzy feeling in others that it always does for me.

11.  The Long Day Is Over - Norah Jones
I don't actually know if Norah Jones wrote this song as a metaphor for death, but that's how it has always read to me.  It's so gentle and soothing that I think this is a legitimate candidate for a song I would like to be listening to at the actual moment of my passing away.  It feels like a send-off, one that's understated and serene, exactly the way I'd like it to be.  And what better for my friends and family to hear as they send me off and say goodbye?

12.  Moving On - Michael Giacchino
This is one of the most moving compositions I have ever heard.  Yes, it's from a television show, but the last few minutes of LOST will be forever in my mind as a truly amazing, touching experience, enhanced all the more by this track.  I would insist on this being the last song to play as everyone walks away and returns to their regularly scheduled lives, because it is structured in the exact way I would want my memorial to be:  it opens quietly, builds to a beautiful violin crescendo, then fades away quietly.  My feelings follow the pattern of the instruments every time I listen to it, and it always provides me with a very unique feeling of catharsis.  I hope it would do the same for everyone else, rounding out this playlist and my life on the perfect note.